It's time...

JuliaElizabeth has arrived! Born 4/10/12 at 1552 weighing in at 5 pounds 6 ounces! 19 inches (they measured length twice because 19 inches is long for a baby who is 35 weeks and 5 days!)
This is how it went down..
I went in for my weekly check up after a horrible night of contracting and coughing and what little sleep I did get I kept having dreams of an IUFD. urgh. On the NST after taking as much medicine as I could I was still contracting every 7 minutes. Of course my doctor was like "ok Megan, it's time". and I of course said "no thanks, this is a bad week for me. You see, my mom gets in tomorrow and Alex's nanny is on vacation all week! How about if my uterine scar is thinning on ultrasound I'll give up...if not send me home and I can manage these contractions because they were much worse last night!" So we had ourselves a deal. Off to ultrasound I went and lo and behold my scar was less than half want it measured the week before . :( My ultrasound tech said "Megan, It's time" urgh. So I gave up and went straight over to the hospital....and Julia Elizabeth was born...and she is beautiful.

 I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past week since Julia has been born...I was questioning if I should do this blog post at all..Then I figured there have been SO many people following this pregnancy that I should do one final post...
It's time that I finish up this blog and start diving into my real life.
It's time I stop ignoring the many many people who have reached out to me in the past 2 years.
It's time I start standing up for myself and my children.
It's time I start shaving again on a regular basis :)
It's time I start seeing my life differently...with a whole lot of normalcy.
It's time I start spending some money...because I believe  everyone could use a good therapist and housekeeper.
It's just time....

Easter Egg hunt!

Alex went on an Easter egg hunt today! He loved it! I loved being out of the house! Don't worry, I took extra medication so I wouldn't contract...I had fun even though I'm sure my heart rate was well over 110..The things I wouldn't do for that kid! He loved all the "furry animals" and this is the first year I let him actually touch them...Everything but the Easter bunny...Hopefully We"ll do that next year. The Easter egg hunt showed my what a passive kid Alex is...not a competitive bone in his body. His favorite part of the whole thing was seeing the firetruck...he is obsessed with firetrucks! He had a balloon which got away and he sobbed and sobbed as it floated out of sight. So, Feeling sad for the boy, we walked what seemed a half mile over to get another. The good news? Even after all that walking I still feel pretty darn good!
Alex has had a language explosion in the past month (I've been waiting forever for this). He went from almost no words to well over 20 in the past 2 weeks. I only "count" a word when he 1) says it on his own without prompting 2) is understandable by someone else who is not me. 3) uses it purposefully and appropriately.

2 Weeks?

2 weeks from today! I've been contacting on and off. They have added another medication to get the contractions to stop. So far, so good. It could, however, be "game over" at any point.
They have been paying close attention to my uterine wall and my classical scar. It remains a good thickness.
35 weeks! This means, born today I have a shot of having a take home baby! That's the ultimate goal: No NICU!
There are a lot of ways I've been counting down this pregnancy. One way is obviously in counting down the days and weeks. I also have been getting weekly progesterone injections. I get 20 injections from 16 weeks on. I finished my final one today! Success!
My mom is scheduled to fly in next week with an open ended ticket and the promise not to leave until I have things "under control".
My mom also asks me every week to post a pic of me pregnant. I have not one picture of my pregnant with the twins. So here goes...

The final countdown...

34 weeks! This is the biggest pregnancy milestone yet! This means I WILL NOT be hospitalized before delivery. At this point, if something happens (ie my water breaks, baby looks bad on ultrasound, I can't stop contracting and my cervix is changing) I would just get delivered. I will NOT get magnesium during this pregnancy! My goal for today is to pack a hospital bag...It's said this needs to include an outfit for the baby to come home in! To come home in WITH me...like I'm not coming back in 5-10 months to pick her up! I need to keep reminding myself to stock up on my sleep in these next two weeks...I hear there is no "sleeping when the baby sleeps" when you have a 2 year old!
oh and baby weighs in at 4#9oz! (50%) perfect.

You're going to do WHAT??

I'm going to change Caroline's name. Don't get me wrong, I love love love the name Caroline. I don't like when 75% of people mistake it for Carolyn. This causes me to have to repeat myself. Often. In addition, Carolyn is my ex-mother-in-law's name. (I don't think I need to blog further about that one!) Those two factors together, I have found a new name. Because there is so little time left with this pregnancy, I'm going to wait to announce the name until the birth...So from now on the "fetus formally known as Caroline" will simply be called "baby". (poll to the left)

OK...time to exhale!

32 weeks! In the world of preemies 32 weeks is a huge milestone...If born today, Caroline would not need a level 3 NICU..a level 2 would do...This means I get to deliver at Community South with my own doctors. I dont, however, feel comfortable with Caroline at CHS until I pass 34 weeks. So, if for some reason I need to deliver in the next 2 weeks I will insist of delivering at Community North. I know they have a great NICU. I know most of the staff and protocols. Plus, I'm sure Alex would love to see old friends.
In preparation for delivery, I did steroid shots at 32 weeks to make my amnio more likely to be mature. Delivery really feels close. I just realized that I have a bunch of things I need to get done before she comes home. Setting up her crib ( we cant find the bolts from LAuren's crib is anyone knows where they are!) I'm in no rush to really set up the crib because I plan to use a co-sleeper next to me for at least 6 months. I need to change out all the batteries from all the infant swings in the basement. Set up the pack and play. Figure out the car seat situation. Find the bottles (again, if anyone knows where these are tell me!) Luckily, I've already gone through all the baby clothes in early November when I found out gender. I have SO MANY girl clothes that Caroline doesn't have to wear the same thing twice. ..until she is 3...Caroline doesn't really need anything..Only her own baby book (which my mom is getting) and I already bought her her own lovey.
I've started struggling with weight gain... I had a goal of hitting 150# by the end of this pregnancy. I got to 141 at 26 weeks and everyone in my office cheered....now I weigh 139 boo! I'm telling you...very few pregnant people have the problem of TRYING HARD to gain weight! I've actually lost 2 pounds in the past 6 weeks. Urgh! Luckily, Caroline found those 2 pounds and measured in at 3#11oz...this is more than both Alex and Lauren weighed TOGETHER at birth.
In the world of Alex, he is FINALLY really to take off with his speech. First he mastered gross motor skills, then fine motor and now he's on to speech! I finally took another video of him where it took him almost 30 seconds to realize I was taping him and attack the camera..He also got a new haircut from a friend of mine who said he couldn't handle looking at Alex's mullet anymore!

Best big brother!

Alex is going to be the best big brother! We've had a 2 month old baby visit us a few times and Alex is so interested and gentle!
I've had a really hard time getting good pictures of Alex in the past few months. As soon as I see an opportunity, Alex sees me and the camera then stops whatever he is doing to grab the camera. Then, I mostly get a picture of his thumb, or half his face.
We made a change to increase his calories and we've really struggled. The increased calories have caused some delayed gastric emptying. After an hour long session with a dietitian, I think we've come up with a good plan...one that hopefully involves very little vomiting.
Also on a good note...I'm on the books for an amnio done by MFM (the high risk docs) on April 16. My doc felt uncomfortable doing it based on where my placenta is...Then those results get run stat and I SHOULD be good to deliver the next day (the 17th!) which I'm scheduled. If lungs come back immature we will repeat that whole thing the following week. I've gotten a bunch of questions about what the deal is with the delivery at 36 weeks.
It is all risk vs. reward.
Risk of 39 week delivery? If I kick into labor before that point my uterus has a vertical incision on it which is much more likely to rupture (read :death)
Risk of 36 week delivery? Breathing problems for Caroline if her lungs are not mature.
So if lungs are mature at 36 weeks the safest option for both of us is delivery.
If not mature we wait a week.

a week beginning with 3!

It's official, I will deliver Caroline in a week that begins with the number 3! I'm over a month past where I delivered the twins. Caroline did so well with her monitoring last week I get to drop down to once a week monitoring. I cant wait to get to 32 weeks. At that point babies have a pretty uneventful course in the nicu. At 35 weeks she would have a shot at coming home with me. That's the goal, a take home baby. A fully breastfed, eating, breathing baby that any teenager could raise. One that doesn't need monitoring , oxygen, wires or extensive training. I dream of the take home baby and cant wait for that day..actually, I can wait 6 weeks!

did someone say PRESCHOOL????

Alex will age out of his first steps therapy at age 3. At that point he will qualify for the local carmel developmental preschool for his language delay. Preschool is 2.5 hours in the morning. He can be transported by school bus both to and from school. I don't know how I feel about my small 3 year old ride the bus by himself. I will probably bring him outside to watch the big kids get on and off their bus at the beginning of next school year to see if he gets excited about the bus. If hes not excited I will just drive him. He will do OT for feeding through my insurance. His physcal therapy has been decreased to 2xmonth because he's pretty much caught up gross motor wise. In 3 months he will graduate totally from PT.
I meet with alex's dietition twice a month. This last visit alex's weight has been the same for the past few months. The dietition thinks he needs more calories based on how much more active he is now than 6 months ago. During this 10 minute long conversation Alex jumped up and down about 20 times, spun in circles, made over 15 laps around the lower level, threw the ball to the dog then to himself. Yeah, he's a bit active!
Caroline is doing great. Current weight 3#1oz! She was also sucking her thumb on ultrasound. Passing her 2xweek BPP with flying colors!

what's this?? The THIRD trimester?!?!?!?

It feels really good to be in the third trimester! 2 months to go (if I'm lucky!) I don't mind being off my feet as muchas I can this time. With the twins it was depressing to be in the hospital and more then a month away from bare-bones viability. I'm making good progress. I still have some contractions but nothing you would write home about. I feel releaved that even if Caroline was delivered today she would not only make it but have a good shot of being just fine. I got to do my 28 week labs...which oddly enough I was looking forward to...and of course I passed with flying colors! I have not received steroids injections yet...they want to time them within the week of delivery for maximum effectiveness. This is a good sign that no one thinks I'm with in a week of delivery. By popular demand I'm going to try and post a pic of Alex "touching" Caroline.

Every. Day. Counts.

28 weeks! Now I can breathe. Mortality rates at 28 weeks are almost nothing.
I woke up Sunday morning contracting every 5 minutes for over 2 hours. I went into the hospital where Caroline's heart rate was showing some mild variables...this bought me an IV, NPO status, and an overnight stay. Contractions became very under control with some Procardia which I now take every 8 hours. Procardia is actually a BP medicine used off label for preterm laborious. The other reason I stayed the night was to make sure my BP didn't drop too much. In fact, they cut the dose in half during the night because of low BP.
Since Ive been released,Ive seen the high risk OB who delivered the twins. She did a through ultrasound looking at the chord to make sure there was no entangling. Dopplers were done that proved good blood flow. Caroline passed a BPP with 10/10. I also talked ultrasound tech into turning the ultrasound machine to 3D and 4D. It was very cool. Caroline has my mouth and I could see the dimple in her chin. I would post the pic but its too much effort to scan it into the computer.
The plan from here on out is to continue to stay off my feet as much possible. Procardia every 8 hours. Weekly ultrasounds and twice weekly NST.
I'm off work now until July. Don't worry, I still get to go into the office twice a week to see my friends. I plan on coasting through the next month.

26 weeks!

I've been trying for the past 3 days to get a picture of my "former 26 weeker" with his hand on my current 26 weeker...but there was little cooperation and even less photographic skill. As of today I'm officially 3 days past where I had the twins. At 26 weeks, Caroline weighs in at 2 pounds even. At 26 weeks Alex was 1 pound 10 oz and Lauren was 1 pound 12oz. So you can see how much bigger Caroline is!
In the medical field 23 weeks is considered "viability" where they try to save the baby. This whole pregnancy I've thought of 26 weeks as that. That being said, I've cut my activity level way back...I have people coming in to play with Alex so I can be off my feet as much as possible...ultimate goal is 10 more weeks...but I NEED 2 more to breathe easily.

In further news, in the past 2 weeks Alex has been doing MUCH better with eating...I figured I needed to post another picture soon...disregard his "special needs hair" that needs to be wet down after nap and sleep to look normal!

the new diaper bag.

I bought a new diaper bag a few months ago. This is significant for 2 reasons. 1) I never buy anything. 2) We have a perfectly good one that sits in the corner of my laundry room. That is where it has sat for the past 7 months. It was Lauren's emergency go-bag. It is packed and organized with everything she would need if we were out and there was an emergency. As part of the insane training I needed to go though to take Lauren home I needed to recite the list of all the things that needed to be in this bag. And the bag still sits in the laundry room. It is the last thing of Lauren's that needs to be gone though and I can't bring myself to do it. Instead, I bought a new, much smaller, pink, on sale diaper bag. I'm thinking of just throwing the one in the laundry room out. You see, I've gone though everything: all her clothes, medications, medical equipment etc etc. and then decided what to do with it. I'm not quite sure I know what my deal is with this diaper bag.

I never cared about this baby's gender though I knew the whole time it would be a girl. Because the propose of this pregnancy is not to replace Lauren I would have been fine either way. It is, however, helpful that I don't have to repaint the lavender bedroom that sits upstairs. I don't see that bedroom as "Lauren's" because she never slept there. Not once. It is also helpful not to have to get rid of the thousands (yes, thousands) of items of "girl stuff" in this house. It would make me sad to have two boys and look out my back window and see a pink swing.

I read an article the other day about how when a child dies the mother will see the ghost of that child live on. Alex and Lauren being twins, seeing Lauren's ghost doesn't take a lot of effort. I see her when we're at Gymboree popping the bubbles and playing with the parachute, with her nurse Marie, of course. I see her when we go on walks and dress for Halloween. I see her when I take Alex to a birthday party, because of course Lauren would be invited too. I hear her when I'm putting Alex to bed and need to leave the room because her alarms sounding. I always adjust her in my head. She's crusing the furniture but not quite ready to walk on her own. She's vent at night only so we have all kinds of freedom. She has some signs down but mostly uses her right arm for them. There's talk of taking her trach out this summer. I will continue to see the ghost of Lauren at every birthday, Halloween and first day of school that Alex ever has. I will hear her name called at every graduation of Alex's . Right after Alexander. Scott. Key. is called. Lauren. Jane. Key.

24 Weeks!

Throughout this entire pregnancy I've been playing a sick game with myself. The game of "what was I doing at thins point when I was pregnant with the twins"? There are very few days I remember when I was pregnant with the twins. I remember some moments, but most I try to forget. I remember this day. I remember 24 weeks. This was the day I could not stop contracting while on strict bed rest at home, no matter how much terbutaline I injected into my leg. I "broke though" and terb wasn't working. I landed myself back into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. Back on Mag. Urgh.
This time is different. At 24 weeks with Caroline my cervix is still very long without the hint of contractions. She measured in today at 1 pound 7oz! Perfect.
I haven't blogged yet about the person who takes the brunt of my anxiety. My ultrasound tech. The person who is also my good friend and seen me though all the drama with the twins. The person who told me before this journey began with Caroline, "if you ever have twins again...I'll quit my job". The person who found the incompetent cervix with the twins and still has PTSD from it. The person who I text at all hours with questions about my female ultrasound parts. This is how our weekly ultrasounds go:
Me: I don't see funneling...do you?
Ultrasound tech: nope looks good.
Me: You'd tell me if it looked bad, right?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: Does that amount of amniotic fluid look normal to you?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: You'd tell me if it didn't, right?
Ultrasound tech: blank stare.
It goes on like this until I'm done with my mental list of things I freak out about: cervix length, amniotic fluid, growth, placenta, and God forbid she lingers too long on a part of Caroline I just start asking questions about it...If she looks at the face too long I'll say "she doesn't have a cleft palate, right?" Followed, of course, by "you'd tell me, right?"

Don't worry, only 12 weeks to go!

What's in a name?

First of all, I would like to start this blog by saying "thank you" for the tremendous outpouring of support I've gotten since I've come out with my pregnancy.

Caroline was always a top name for me. It's classic without being trendy. It sounds formal yet has cute nicknames if she wants to use them. I also considered Charlotte but it got WAY too popular in the past 4 years and the nickname "char" makes me throw up a bit. Leah was also considered but with the last name of Key I look at Leah and think "lea". Then I put that together with Key and never, ever would want her name to be mispronounced as " lea key". That's right. Say that out loud.
Which brings me to a topic that I frequently get asked about...why don't you change your last name back to Roth? The biggest reason for this is because Key is Alex's last name. I've never even asked Nick to change it because He would never consider it. Second, but not as important, I hold about 10 different licenses...ALL of them would need to be changed. It is a ton of paperwork and a ton of misunderstandings....I'm too low energy to go though all of that.
Caroline's middle name will be Joan, after my mom. I considered a middle name of "Lauren" but that felt too much like I was trying to replace Lauren. I considered "Roth" to do the yuppie "maiden name as a middle name" thing. I considered "Olivia" but that would only be so I could call her Carrie O. Key and smile :) My mom couldn't be more thrilled to finally get a grandchild named after her. Caroline is, after all, #12 for her.

And how is Alex doing?

You might have noticed the advertisements on my blog. Supposedly, I will get paid based on number of page views and more if you actually click on an ad. They pick the ads based on the content of my blog. It cracked me up this morning when I saw an ad for "cervical length measurements". Perfect.
I told Alex a long time ago about the new baby. Alex, of course, didn't tell anyone. The good news is he loves babies. Yesterday he saw a baby and actually signed "baby". When I ask him what a baby says he screams! He is such a soft, laid back kid the transition should go smoothly. He does, however, want A LOT of my attention.
I've signed him up for Gymboree because there is little to do here in Indiana in winter. Plus, he loves all the singing, bubbles and the parachute. Originally, I signed him up for the 16-22 month old class. He did great but our physical therapist encouraged me to move him up to the 23-28 month class. To my great surprise, he's keeping up well with his peers! I couldn't be prouder.
What he can sign has taken off in the past month. It includes, but is not limited to, mine, all done, more, jump, slide, baby, mommy, play. I always make him sign "mommy play" to me instead of just dragging me across the room! We have library story time starting on Monday's so most of our week is pretty full. I'd love to go to the pool more but my butt no longer fits in my bathing suit...that's right 25# and counting! Should I stop drinking whole milk???
Alex's eating has also greatly improved in the past month. The kid will "taste" anything but he's started actually crewing and swallowing more and more. Yesterday, he ate the equivalent of a whole piece of ravioli! We see a dietician twice a month who organizes his feeds based off his growth. In the next few months she wants to cut his tube feeds back to make him hungrier and eat more by mouth. I'm hesitant until he eats well at breakfast. Alex weighs in at 25 pounds and is 34 inches tall...which is just tall enough to reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator :/
Caroline is also doing great! Big update on her next week!

22 weeks

I love going to work. It's the only thing that helps the anxiety that has sprung up in the past two weeks. You see, with the twins, at this point I would have already been in the hospital for over 2 weeks. I go to work for my weekly cervical length and for my coworkers to "talk me down" from the ledge of going insane. This anxiety will die once I hit 28 weeks... but things have been NORMAL so far! Cervix still measures nice and long ...over 5cm (that's length, NOT dilation!) with no internal funneling.
Yesterday Caroline measured in at one pound even....it's crazy to me that she is only 10oz away from Alex's birth weight! One of the things I've been really focused on this pregnancy is gaining some weight myself. I'm not a big eater by nature so I've been force feeding myself for 5 months now. I'm up 19 pounds from my baseline weight. ...I only gianed 10 pounds with the twins and THAT was even hard.
The OB I see is actually one of the docs in our practice...this means she is also my friend, boss, and has seen most of the drama in my life that the past 3 years has produced. She also got a front row seat to my last pregnancy. We has a discussion a few days ago about what went wrong with the twins. Niether of us think I had a true incompetant cervix. Plus, if I did, it should "show itself" on ultrasound before 24 weeks. I have a cercalge because it wasn't worth the risk of being wrong about that. Plus, I feel better knowing my cervix is stiched shut and I won't birth Caroline in the middle of Walmart. My doc really thinking that all the preterm labor was really because there was somthing wrong with the pregnancy and my body was trying to have a miscarriage. I've read that path report on the twin's placentas after birth and it was horrible. Lets just say with those placentas I'm suprised they got to 26 weeks at all. It's nice to have a normal pregnancy and I pray it continues and I do get to go to work!

Seems like this blog is going to start getting intresting again....

I never meant to have this life. I set out, like everyone else, to have an ordinary one. A life where you get married, have perfect children and live happily ever after. But I'm sure as we all know by now God has other plans...
The big news is...
I'm going to have another baby. On my own. Using a frozen embryo from my marriage. ( I like to think in the divorce I got the things that matter in 100 years)
As several friends have told me I don't need to defend myself to anyone....but I think this requires some explanation because at first glance I can see how this seems crazy. Lets look a little deeper...
FAQ
1) Why in the world would you want to have another child who is genetically half your ex-husband?
First and foremost, lets not pretend the embryos don't exist. They do. Therefore, something needs to be done with them. The second the twins were born I knew I would never destroy those embryos. It seems, with their birth I realized what those embryos are....children...my children. I've talked to woman after woman who only regretted her abortion after the birth of subsequent children. It seems they didn't know what they killed until they held their own baby in their arms. And what is the difference between Alex and Lauren and those embryos???...5 and a half months. Plus, I want another baby. I've always planed on having another. I would like to make this VERY clear: This baby is not a replacement for Lauren. My love for this baby is equal but very different than my love for Lauren. Lauren's love cannot be replaced. I love both Alex and Lauren. That love for them has nothing to do with Nick. I never saw the children (or the embryos, for that matter) as being "nick's" but as being my children. I fought for them from day one...and I will continue to fight. This isn't about Nick at all.
2)Are you sure you can do this on your own?
I've actually never gotten this question from anyone who knows me. I only work 2 days a week at a fantastic job that I love...plus, lets remember I took care of a baby who wouldn't eat and one who needed round the clock care all by myself. I'm excited for a little normalcy.
3) Why now? Why not give this some time?
By the time the baby is born the children will be more than2.5 years apart. I really want Alex to grow up with a sibling. Your siblings are your best link to your past and the ones most likely to stick with you in the times ahead. I'm also in my season of raising small children. We go to the zoo and they want to do the same stuff. Why take a break from changing diapers?
4) Do you remember your last pregnancy and how horrible it was? You want to chance this again?
Here's a list of all the things that went wrong last time and how we're trying to change things...
a.) Incompetent cervix- I got a cervical cerclage at 13 week and weekly ultrasounds to monitor cervical length.
b.)Preterm labor and delivery- Biggest factor helping this is the fact that there is only ONE baby. In addition, I get progesterone injections weekly.
c.)IUGR/ fetal distress- I believe this my have to do with the MTHFR clotting disorder and therefore I'm on daily shots of Lovenox and baby aspirin.
d) Uterine classical incision- This is the vertical cut that needed to be made on my uterus with the twins delivery. I have an increased risk of uterine rupture if I kick into labor. Therefore, there will be an amnio (to prove lung maturity only) at 36 weeks and delivery soon after.
5) Will Nick be involved?
This child is not legally Nick's at all. She only has Nick's DNA (remember, full sibling of Alex and Lauren) This being said, we're on a lot of uncharted ground. I will always do what is best and appropriate for the baby. Nick, of course, can choose if he wants to be involved or not..and that choice is his. As the baby grows up I will let her know that Nick is her AND Alex's father.I'm all about telling kids the truth.
6) You said "her" in the last paragraph...do you know gender already? How far along are you?
yes, it's a girl! Her name is Caroline. I haven't come up with a middle name yet but I should have some time. My official due date is May 10th. My delivery date (assuming everything goes as planned?!!?) is April 17th (all of our birthdays would be on the 17th!)