I bought a new diaper bag a few months ago. This is significant for 2 reasons. 1) I never buy anything. 2) We have a perfectly good one that sits in the corner of my laundry room. That is where it has sat for the past 7 months. It was Lauren's emergency go-bag. It is packed and organized with everything she would need if we were out and there was an emergency. As part of the insane training I needed to go though to take Lauren home I needed to recite the list of all the things that needed to be in this bag. And the bag still sits in the laundry room. It is the last thing of Lauren's that needs to be gone though and I can't bring myself to do it. Instead, I bought a new, much smaller, pink, on sale diaper bag. I'm thinking of just throwing the one in the laundry room out. You see, I've gone though everything: all her clothes, medications, medical equipment etc etc. and then decided what to do with it. I'm not quite sure I know what my deal is with this diaper bag.
I never cared about this baby's gender though I knew the whole time it would be a girl. Because the propose of this pregnancy is not to replace Lauren I would have been fine either way. It is, however, helpful that I don't have to repaint the lavender bedroom that sits upstairs. I don't see that bedroom as "Lauren's" because she never slept there. Not once. It is also helpful not to have to get rid of the thousands (yes, thousands) of items of "girl stuff" in this house. It would make me sad to have two boys and look out my back window and see a pink swing.
I read an article the other day about how when a child dies the mother will see the ghost of that child live on. Alex and Lauren being twins, seeing Lauren's ghost doesn't take a lot of effort. I see her when we're at Gymboree popping the bubbles and playing with the parachute, with her nurse Marie, of course. I see her when we go on walks and dress for Halloween. I see her when I take Alex to a birthday party, because of course Lauren would be invited too. I hear her when I'm putting Alex to bed and need to leave the room because her alarms sounding. I always adjust her in my head. She's crusing the furniture but not quite ready to walk on her own. She's vent at night only so we have all kinds of freedom. She has some signs down but mostly uses her right arm for them. There's talk of taking her trach out this summer. I will continue to see the ghost of Lauren at every birthday, Halloween and first day of school that Alex ever has. I will hear her name called at every graduation of Alex's . Right after Alexander. Scott. Key. is called. Lauren. Jane. Key.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
24 Weeks!
Throughout this entire pregnancy I've been playing a sick game with myself. The game of "what was I doing at thins point when I was pregnant with the twins"? There are very few days I remember when I was pregnant with the twins. I remember some moments, but most I try to forget. I remember this day. I remember 24 weeks. This was the day I could not stop contracting while on strict bed rest at home, no matter how much terbutaline I injected into my leg. I "broke though" and terb wasn't working. I landed myself back into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. Back on Mag. Urgh.
This time is different. At 24 weeks with Caroline my cervix is still very long without the hint of contractions. She measured in today at 1 pound 7oz! Perfect.
I haven't blogged yet about the person who takes the brunt of my anxiety. My ultrasound tech. The person who is also my good friend and seen me though all the drama with the twins. The person who told me before this journey began with Caroline, "if you ever have twins again...I'll quit my job". The person who found the incompetent cervix with the twins and still has PTSD from it. The person who I text at all hours with questions about my female ultrasound parts. This is how our weekly ultrasounds go:
Me: I don't see funneling...do you?
Ultrasound tech: nope looks good.
Me: You'd tell me if it looked bad, right?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: Does that amount of amniotic fluid look normal to you?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: You'd tell me if it didn't, right?
Ultrasound tech: blank stare.
It goes on like this until I'm done with my mental list of things I freak out about: cervix length, amniotic fluid, growth, placenta, and God forbid she lingers too long on a part of Caroline I just start asking questions about it...If she looks at the face too long I'll say "she doesn't have a cleft palate, right?" Followed, of course, by "you'd tell me, right?"
Don't worry, only 12 weeks to go!
This time is different. At 24 weeks with Caroline my cervix is still very long without the hint of contractions. She measured in today at 1 pound 7oz! Perfect.
I haven't blogged yet about the person who takes the brunt of my anxiety. My ultrasound tech. The person who is also my good friend and seen me though all the drama with the twins. The person who told me before this journey began with Caroline, "if you ever have twins again...I'll quit my job". The person who found the incompetent cervix with the twins and still has PTSD from it. The person who I text at all hours with questions about my female ultrasound parts. This is how our weekly ultrasounds go:
Me: I don't see funneling...do you?
Ultrasound tech: nope looks good.
Me: You'd tell me if it looked bad, right?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: Does that amount of amniotic fluid look normal to you?
Ultrasound tech: yes, Megan
Me: You'd tell me if it didn't, right?
Ultrasound tech: blank stare.
It goes on like this until I'm done with my mental list of things I freak out about: cervix length, amniotic fluid, growth, placenta, and God forbid she lingers too long on a part of Caroline I just start asking questions about it...If she looks at the face too long I'll say "she doesn't have a cleft palate, right?" Followed, of course, by "you'd tell me, right?"
Don't worry, only 12 weeks to go!
Monday, January 16, 2012
What's in a name?
First of all, I would like to start this blog by saying "thank you" for the tremendous outpouring of support I've gotten since I've come out with my pregnancy.
Caroline was always a top name for me. It's classic without being trendy. It sounds formal yet has cute nicknames if she wants to use them. I also considered Charlotte but it got WAY too popular in the past 4 years and the nickname "char" makes me throw up a bit. Leah was also considered but with the last name of Key I look at Leah and think "lea". Then I put that together with Key and never, ever would want her name to be mispronounced as " lea key". That's right. Say that out loud.
Which brings me to a topic that I frequently get asked about...why don't you change your last name back to Roth? The biggest reason for this is because Key is Alex's last name. I've never even asked Nick to change it because He would never consider it. Second, but not as important, I hold about 10 different licenses...ALL of them would need to be changed. It is a ton of paperwork and a ton of misunderstandings....I'm too low energy to go though all of that.
Caroline's middle name will be Joan, after my mom. I considered a middle name of "Lauren" but that felt too much like I was trying to replace Lauren. I considered "Roth" to do the yuppie "maiden name as a middle name" thing. I considered "Olivia" but that would only be so I could call her Carrie O. Key and smile :) My mom couldn't be more thrilled to finally get a grandchild named after her. Caroline is, after all, #12 for her.
Caroline was always a top name for me. It's classic without being trendy. It sounds formal yet has cute nicknames if she wants to use them. I also considered Charlotte but it got WAY too popular in the past 4 years and the nickname "char" makes me throw up a bit. Leah was also considered but with the last name of Key I look at Leah and think "lea". Then I put that together with Key and never, ever would want her name to be mispronounced as " lea key". That's right. Say that out loud.
Which brings me to a topic that I frequently get asked about...why don't you change your last name back to Roth? The biggest reason for this is because Key is Alex's last name. I've never even asked Nick to change it because He would never consider it. Second, but not as important, I hold about 10 different licenses...ALL of them would need to be changed. It is a ton of paperwork and a ton of misunderstandings....I'm too low energy to go though all of that.
Caroline's middle name will be Joan, after my mom. I considered a middle name of "Lauren" but that felt too much like I was trying to replace Lauren. I considered "Roth" to do the yuppie "maiden name as a middle name" thing. I considered "Olivia" but that would only be so I could call her Carrie O. Key and smile :) My mom couldn't be more thrilled to finally get a grandchild named after her. Caroline is, after all, #12 for her.
Friday, January 13, 2012
And how is Alex doing?
You might have noticed the advertisements on my blog. Supposedly, I will get paid based on number of page views and more if you actually click on an ad. They pick the ads based on the content of my blog. It cracked me up this morning when I saw an ad for "cervical length measurements". Perfect.
I told Alex a long time ago about the new baby. Alex, of course, didn't tell anyone. The good news is he loves babies. Yesterday he saw a baby and actually signed "baby". When I ask him what a baby says he screams! He is such a soft, laid back kid the transition should go smoothly. He does, however, want A LOT of my attention.
I've signed him up for Gymboree because there is little to do here in Indiana in winter. Plus, he loves all the singing, bubbles and the parachute. Originally, I signed him up for the 16-22 month old class. He did great but our physical therapist encouraged me to move him up to the 23-28 month class. To my great surprise, he's keeping up well with his peers! I couldn't be prouder.
What he can sign has taken off in the past month. It includes, but is not limited to, mine, all done, more, jump, slide, baby, mommy, play. I always make him sign "mommy play" to me instead of just dragging me across the room! We have library story time starting on Monday's so most of our week is pretty full. I'd love to go to the pool more but my butt no longer fits in my bathing suit...that's right 25# and counting! Should I stop drinking whole milk???
Alex's eating has also greatly improved in the past month. The kid will "taste" anything but he's started actually crewing and swallowing more and more. Yesterday, he ate the equivalent of a whole piece of ravioli! We see a dietician twice a month who organizes his feeds based off his growth. In the next few months she wants to cut his tube feeds back to make him hungrier and eat more by mouth. I'm hesitant until he eats well at breakfast. Alex weighs in at 25 pounds and is 34 inches tall...which is just tall enough to reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator :/
Caroline is also doing great! Big update on her next week!
I told Alex a long time ago about the new baby. Alex, of course, didn't tell anyone. The good news is he loves babies. Yesterday he saw a baby and actually signed "baby". When I ask him what a baby says he screams! He is such a soft, laid back kid the transition should go smoothly. He does, however, want A LOT of my attention.
I've signed him up for Gymboree because there is little to do here in Indiana in winter. Plus, he loves all the singing, bubbles and the parachute. Originally, I signed him up for the 16-22 month old class. He did great but our physical therapist encouraged me to move him up to the 23-28 month class. To my great surprise, he's keeping up well with his peers! I couldn't be prouder.
What he can sign has taken off in the past month. It includes, but is not limited to, mine, all done, more, jump, slide, baby, mommy, play. I always make him sign "mommy play" to me instead of just dragging me across the room! We have library story time starting on Monday's so most of our week is pretty full. I'd love to go to the pool more but my butt no longer fits in my bathing suit...that's right 25# and counting! Should I stop drinking whole milk???
Alex's eating has also greatly improved in the past month. The kid will "taste" anything but he's started actually crewing and swallowing more and more. Yesterday, he ate the equivalent of a whole piece of ravioli! We see a dietician twice a month who organizes his feeds based off his growth. In the next few months she wants to cut his tube feeds back to make him hungrier and eat more by mouth. I'm hesitant until he eats well at breakfast. Alex weighs in at 25 pounds and is 34 inches tall...which is just tall enough to reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator :/
Caroline is also doing great! Big update on her next week!
Friday, January 6, 2012
22 weeks
I love going to work. It's the only thing that helps the anxiety that has sprung up in the past two weeks. You see, with the twins, at this point I would have already been in the hospital for over 2 weeks. I go to work for my weekly cervical length and for my coworkers to "talk me down" from the ledge of going insane. This anxiety will die once I hit 28 weeks... but things have been NORMAL so far! Cervix still measures nice and long ...over 5cm (that's length, NOT dilation!) with no internal funneling.
Yesterday Caroline measured in at one pound even....it's crazy to me that she is only 10oz away from Alex's birth weight! One of the things I've been really focused on this pregnancy is gaining some weight myself. I'm not a big eater by nature so I've been force feeding myself for 5 months now. I'm up 19 pounds from my baseline weight. ...I only gianed 10 pounds with the twins and THAT was even hard.
The OB I see is actually one of the docs in our practice...this means she is also my friend, boss, and has seen most of the drama in my life that the past 3 years has produced. She also got a front row seat to my last pregnancy. We has a discussion a few days ago about what went wrong with the twins. Niether of us think I had a true incompetant cervix. Plus, if I did, it should "show itself" on ultrasound before 24 weeks. I have a cercalge because it wasn't worth the risk of being wrong about that. Plus, I feel better knowing my cervix is stiched shut and I won't birth Caroline in the middle of Walmart. My doc really thinking that all the preterm labor was really because there was somthing wrong with the pregnancy and my body was trying to have a miscarriage. I've read that path report on the twin's placentas after birth and it was horrible. Lets just say with those placentas I'm suprised they got to 26 weeks at all. It's nice to have a normal pregnancy and I pray it continues and I do get to go to work!
Yesterday Caroline measured in at one pound even....it's crazy to me that she is only 10oz away from Alex's birth weight! One of the things I've been really focused on this pregnancy is gaining some weight myself. I'm not a big eater by nature so I've been force feeding myself for 5 months now. I'm up 19 pounds from my baseline weight. ...I only gianed 10 pounds with the twins and THAT was even hard.
The OB I see is actually one of the docs in our practice...this means she is also my friend, boss, and has seen most of the drama in my life that the past 3 years has produced. She also got a front row seat to my last pregnancy. We has a discussion a few days ago about what went wrong with the twins. Niether of us think I had a true incompetant cervix. Plus, if I did, it should "show itself" on ultrasound before 24 weeks. I have a cercalge because it wasn't worth the risk of being wrong about that. Plus, I feel better knowing my cervix is stiched shut and I won't birth Caroline in the middle of Walmart. My doc really thinking that all the preterm labor was really because there was somthing wrong with the pregnancy and my body was trying to have a miscarriage. I've read that path report on the twin's placentas after birth and it was horrible. Lets just say with those placentas I'm suprised they got to 26 weeks at all. It's nice to have a normal pregnancy and I pray it continues and I do get to go to work!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Seems like this blog is going to start getting intresting again....
I never meant to have this life. I set out, like everyone else, to have an ordinary one. A life where you get married, have perfect children and live happily ever after. But I'm sure as we all know by now God has other plans...
The big news is...
I'm going to have another baby. On my own. Using a frozen embryo from my marriage. ( I like to think in the divorce I got the things that matter in 100 years)
As several friends have told me I don't need to defend myself to anyone....but I think this requires some explanation because at first glance I can see how this seems crazy. Lets look a little deeper...
FAQ
1) Why in the world would you want to have another child who is genetically half your ex-husband?
First and foremost, lets not pretend the embryos don't exist. They do. Therefore, something needs to be done with them. The second the twins were born I knew I would never destroy those embryos. It seems, with their birth I realized what those embryos are....children...my children. I've talked to woman after woman who only regretted her abortion after the birth of subsequent children. It seems they didn't know what they killed until they held their own baby in their arms. And what is the difference between Alex and Lauren and those embryos???...5 and a half months. Plus, I want another baby. I've always planed on having another. I would like to make this VERY clear: This baby is not a replacement for Lauren. My love for this baby is equal but very different than my love for Lauren. Lauren's love cannot be replaced. I love both Alex and Lauren. That love for them has nothing to do with Nick. I never saw the children (or the embryos, for that matter) as being "nick's" but as being my children. I fought for them from day one...and I will continue to fight. This isn't about Nick at all.
2)Are you sure you can do this on your own?
I've actually never gotten this question from anyone who knows me. I only work 2 days a week at a fantastic job that I love...plus, lets remember I took care of a baby who wouldn't eat and one who needed round the clock care all by myself. I'm excited for a little normalcy.
3) Why now? Why not give this some time?
By the time the baby is born the children will be more than2.5 years apart. I really want Alex to grow up with a sibling. Your siblings are your best link to your past and the ones most likely to stick with you in the times ahead. I'm also in my season of raising small children. We go to the zoo and they want to do the same stuff. Why take a break from changing diapers?
4) Do you remember your last pregnancy and how horrible it was? You want to chance this again?
Here's a list of all the things that went wrong last time and how we're trying to change things...
a.) Incompetent cervix- I got a cervical cerclage at 13 week and weekly ultrasounds to monitor cervical length.
b.)Preterm labor and delivery- Biggest factor helping this is the fact that there is only ONE baby. In addition, I get progesterone injections weekly.
c.)IUGR/ fetal distress- I believe this my have to do with the MTHFR clotting disorder and therefore I'm on daily shots of Lovenox and baby aspirin.
d) Uterine classical incision- This is the vertical cut that needed to be made on my uterus with the twins delivery. I have an increased risk of uterine rupture if I kick into labor. Therefore, there will be an amnio (to prove lung maturity only) at 36 weeks and delivery soon after.
5) Will Nick be involved?
This child is not legally Nick's at all. She only has Nick's DNA (remember, full sibling of Alex and Lauren) This being said, we're on a lot of uncharted ground. I will always do what is best and appropriate for the baby. Nick, of course, can choose if he wants to be involved or not..and that choice is his. As the baby grows up I will let her know that Nick is her AND Alex's father.I'm all about telling kids the truth.
6) You said "her" in the last paragraph...do you know gender already? How far along are you?
yes, it's a girl! Her name is Caroline. I haven't come up with a middle name yet but I should have some time. My official due date is May 10th. My delivery date (assuming everything goes as planned?!!?) is April 17th (all of our birthdays would be on the 17th!)
The big news is...
I'm going to have another baby. On my own. Using a frozen embryo from my marriage. ( I like to think in the divorce I got the things that matter in 100 years)
As several friends have told me I don't need to defend myself to anyone....but I think this requires some explanation because at first glance I can see how this seems crazy. Lets look a little deeper...
FAQ
1) Why in the world would you want to have another child who is genetically half your ex-husband?
First and foremost, lets not pretend the embryos don't exist. They do. Therefore, something needs to be done with them. The second the twins were born I knew I would never destroy those embryos. It seems, with their birth I realized what those embryos are....children...my children. I've talked to woman after woman who only regretted her abortion after the birth of subsequent children. It seems they didn't know what they killed until they held their own baby in their arms. And what is the difference between Alex and Lauren and those embryos???...5 and a half months. Plus, I want another baby. I've always planed on having another. I would like to make this VERY clear: This baby is not a replacement for Lauren. My love for this baby is equal but very different than my love for Lauren. Lauren's love cannot be replaced. I love both Alex and Lauren. That love for them has nothing to do with Nick. I never saw the children (or the embryos, for that matter) as being "nick's" but as being my children. I fought for them from day one...and I will continue to fight. This isn't about Nick at all.
2)Are you sure you can do this on your own?
I've actually never gotten this question from anyone who knows me. I only work 2 days a week at a fantastic job that I love...plus, lets remember I took care of a baby who wouldn't eat and one who needed round the clock care all by myself. I'm excited for a little normalcy.
3) Why now? Why not give this some time?
By the time the baby is born the children will be more than2.5 years apart. I really want Alex to grow up with a sibling. Your siblings are your best link to your past and the ones most likely to stick with you in the times ahead. I'm also in my season of raising small children. We go to the zoo and they want to do the same stuff. Why take a break from changing diapers?
4) Do you remember your last pregnancy and how horrible it was? You want to chance this again?
Here's a list of all the things that went wrong last time and how we're trying to change things...
a.) Incompetent cervix- I got a cervical cerclage at 13 week and weekly ultrasounds to monitor cervical length.
b.)Preterm labor and delivery- Biggest factor helping this is the fact that there is only ONE baby. In addition, I get progesterone injections weekly.
c.)IUGR/ fetal distress- I believe this my have to do with the MTHFR clotting disorder and therefore I'm on daily shots of Lovenox and baby aspirin.
d) Uterine classical incision- This is the vertical cut that needed to be made on my uterus with the twins delivery. I have an increased risk of uterine rupture if I kick into labor. Therefore, there will be an amnio (to prove lung maturity only) at 36 weeks and delivery soon after.
5) Will Nick be involved?
This child is not legally Nick's at all. She only has Nick's DNA (remember, full sibling of Alex and Lauren) This being said, we're on a lot of uncharted ground. I will always do what is best and appropriate for the baby. Nick, of course, can choose if he wants to be involved or not..and that choice is his. As the baby grows up I will let her know that Nick is her AND Alex's father.I'm all about telling kids the truth.
6) You said "her" in the last paragraph...do you know gender already? How far along are you?
yes, it's a girl! Her name is Caroline. I haven't come up with a middle name yet but I should have some time. My official due date is May 10th. My delivery date (assuming everything goes as planned?!!?) is April 17th (all of our birthdays would be on the 17th!)
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