the new diaper bag.

I bought a new diaper bag a few months ago. This is significant for 2 reasons. 1) I never buy anything. 2) We have a perfectly good one that sits in the corner of my laundry room. That is where it has sat for the past 7 months. It was Lauren's emergency go-bag. It is packed and organized with everything she would need if we were out and there was an emergency. As part of the insane training I needed to go though to take Lauren home I needed to recite the list of all the things that needed to be in this bag. And the bag still sits in the laundry room. It is the last thing of Lauren's that needs to be gone though and I can't bring myself to do it. Instead, I bought a new, much smaller, pink, on sale diaper bag. I'm thinking of just throwing the one in the laundry room out. You see, I've gone though everything: all her clothes, medications, medical equipment etc etc. and then decided what to do with it. I'm not quite sure I know what my deal is with this diaper bag.

I never cared about this baby's gender though I knew the whole time it would be a girl. Because the propose of this pregnancy is not to replace Lauren I would have been fine either way. It is, however, helpful that I don't have to repaint the lavender bedroom that sits upstairs. I don't see that bedroom as "Lauren's" because she never slept there. Not once. It is also helpful not to have to get rid of the thousands (yes, thousands) of items of "girl stuff" in this house. It would make me sad to have two boys and look out my back window and see a pink swing.

I read an article the other day about how when a child dies the mother will see the ghost of that child live on. Alex and Lauren being twins, seeing Lauren's ghost doesn't take a lot of effort. I see her when we're at Gymboree popping the bubbles and playing with the parachute, with her nurse Marie, of course. I see her when we go on walks and dress for Halloween. I see her when I take Alex to a birthday party, because of course Lauren would be invited too. I hear her when I'm putting Alex to bed and need to leave the room because her alarms sounding. I always adjust her in my head. She's crusing the furniture but not quite ready to walk on her own. She's vent at night only so we have all kinds of freedom. She has some signs down but mostly uses her right arm for them. There's talk of taking her trach out this summer. I will continue to see the ghost of Lauren at every birthday, Halloween and first day of school that Alex ever has. I will hear her name called at every graduation of Alex's . Right after Alexander. Scott. Key. is called. Lauren. Jane. Key.