I haven't posted in what seems like forever. I've been waiting until I felt like I wrap my head around a post without an update on Lauren. At what point will this get easier? At what point will I stop referring to "the twins" or "children" or even "kids". I bet it will be at the same point after my dad died when I stopped referring to my"parents" and starting just saying "my mom".
We live in a culture where we don't talk about death. It is more taboo to talk about death than it is about money, weight or even sex. We are all fooling ourselves because the very truth of it is that no one gets out of this alive. SO why are we not talking about it? What makes us so uncomfortable? We are there not more of us buying our plots and making out our wills? Where does this fear come from. It is very counter-culture to say but the day my father died was the day I no longer feared death. You see, death was never the worst case scenario for Lauren. Don't get me wrong, I would sell both of my kidneys for one more day at the zoo with her. She was pure joy and taught me what giving it my all really looks like. Lauren strengthened my faith in God. All those nights awake giving breathing treatments and at some points doing CPR, it was not me saving Lauren, but her saving me. I usually save this kind of talk for my now-hidden blog but I feel more urgency than before. I believe is was C.S. Lewis who said that God whispers in our joy and screams in our pain. I've been getting screamed at for the past two years. Believe me when I tell you, there is spiritual warfare going on. I can feel it. Whose side are you on? God doesn't make mistakes. I know one thing for sure: I was not meant to live an ordinary life.
Alex is sick :( He has a double ear infection and his lungs are wheezing. He's a little crabby but overall doing well so far. We have started antibiotics and steroids and upped his breathing treatments to every 4 hours. He is now walking 99.9% of the time and is coming close to 24 pounds.
The twins and I did a professional photo shoot the last weekend Lauren was alive. What a treasure these pictures are!!
Something about your writing always gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes as I smile. Although I know that there won't be a day that goes by that you don't think of Lauren, I pray that this does get easier for you. I pray that you can smile again. And you are definately right, you were not meant to live an ordinary life. All of the things that you have been through in the last 2 1/2 years have made you who you are today. God has big plans for you...and I can't wait to read the happy ending in your book and get more chills!! :)
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