I missed Lauren a lot this weekend. REALLY missed her. She was so happy and gave me so much more than I ever could have given her. People write things like that all the time. Two years ago I would have thought "that's just crap that people say to make themselves feel better". I was wrong. It's actually true.
There's a man who does the Ironman triathlon out in Hawaii every year with his disabled son in tow. A son who he pulls swimming, biking and of course running. Their name is "Team Hoyt" if you'd like to look them up. Year after year I've watched him and heard his story. The questions were always the same. "Wouldn't it be easier to do this enormous physical task without pulling your son?"His answer was always the same. "I couldn't do this without my son". While I always thought this was a nice sentiment, i never really understood it. I do now.
Since Lauren's death if anyone, even for a brief moment, thought I was better off, they didn't know Lauren. If anyone thought, "well now she can lead a normal life again". They didn't know Lauren. They may have met her and even held her a time or two. Or, they may just follow this blog. I cannot describe what a joyful, happy baby Lauren was. I cannot describe the joy it gave me to see her sit up for the first time on her own. Or search for her paci for the first time. Or laugh SO hard at her cousins that her face turned beet red and she would trigger the vent. Pure. Joy. I'm in no way better off without her. If you never got a chance to know Lauren, the loss is all yours.
So very true! While she gave you things that no one else can, know that you also gave to her. You were the only one fighting for her in the hospital(s). You were the one that didn't give up on her. You believed in her and encouraged her when no one else would. You gave her life when others wanted to quit. You were there for her when others walked away. I know that your heart is breaking on the inside, but you have held it together so well for so long for Alex. Megan, you are one of the strongest people I know. I look up to you and admire you for your strength. "Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."
ReplyDeleteYour story has touched me so deeply. You are amazingly strong, it is truly inspiring. Our son is also a micropreemie and in the NICU still (since Feb). You have shown me that even a life so short has incredible things to offer the world. Thank you for lending some of your strength and telling your story.
ReplyDeleteSo very true Megan. Lauren brought joy to many of us. I miss her deeply as well. You are so strong as she was able to do all that she could because of you!!!. You never gave up on her. She was such a happy baby and a joy to be around. I know you miss her terribly and have such a difficult time talking about her. So,please, continue with this blog as it helps you to express your feelings. And just know that I am always here for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. You are such a special person and that'a why God chose YOU to be her mother the short time she was on earth. It will most likely be a very long time before you see her again, but keep in mind that one day you will. And I truly believe she is watching down on you.
ReplyDeleteNancy